A Little Time to Think

Firstly, I enjoy the essence of this prompt. Many people have heard me say that our generation as a whole isn't well versed in the art of free thinking. We think when we have to but seldom take the time to reflect on our lives unless something drastic takes place. However, it is a bit odd being forced to do so, to dive into the depths of my mind to uncover or rediscover some hidden truth. But I'll give it a go...

So, I had a conversation with Mr. Edward Pauline, and he challenged me by asking why I do the things I do. What's the purpose of this activity or affiliation with that group. WHY!? That's such a stimulating and unnerving word. Why? (see what I did there?) Because, we have to face the truth. YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH! Or can you? I must admit, this prompt has started the reflective gears in motion, because the thought that just came to mind is: I do things because I can, not necessarily because I should. I have an insatiable craving for more- more involvement, more work, more fun, more development, more influence, more distinction, more achievement...more stress, more procrastination, more disappointment. It's baffling to say the least. And thus we find ourselves at this week's prompt: What do I do every day?

Recently, I feel like life has just been a drag; I go day to day on auto-pilot, putting mediocre effort into the 60,000 things that I tell myself I must do. And thus I find myself content, but not happy. Then I start thinking about what I'm passionate about, and what I want to do in life, and what legacy I'll leave behind, and...more dramatic stuff. I find that I do a lot of the things I do because I don't like passing up opportunities, and so I make excuses to do so by overwhelming myself. It's a bit of a paradox. One of the most disturbing things that I discovered recently is that I indeed CANNOT do everything. My performance has evolved into a Zero-Sum situation, in which attending to one area of my life means neglecting another. There's a word for this ailment that might be of assistance...I think the word is...BALANCE. Yes, that's it. One day, balance will be in my life, but until then, let me tell you about my day:

• I try to wake up around 6AM to work out or find some trivial excuse to go back to sleep. This ends up making me sleepy for the rest of the day, thus inhibiting my performance in class and evening commitments. But, I have always heard that successful people wake up at the crack of dawn to conquer the world, so shouldn't I as well? I also consider myself a morning person, so this kind of makes sense, except the part about being a zombie for the rest of the day. If I'm not working out, I normally straighten my room, watch the news, get breakfast, and get dressed for class.
• I managed to set up my schedule so that my classes start in the early afternoon, leaving me plenty of time to NAP, right after I wake up. Doesn't make sense right? That's what I was thinking. In a nutshell, I waste a lot of time. On days that I'm feeling motivated, I may read my Bible, read a book, answer emails, or even crack open a textbook; but, those days are rare. 
• Then, I go to my classes, where I have no clue what's going on because I wasted so much time, thus keeping me from being prepared for class. I'm trying to figure out a way to deal with this issue. 
• After sleeping/dragging myself/not paying attention during class, I have the afternoon free in which I normally occupy myself by doing something that doesn't really matter (Urgent but Not Important for those of you into those Leadership books). I then go to organizational meetings. 
• My extracurricular involvement is one of my defining features. I am pretty well-known for being super involved, though I don't consider myself to be so. It is what it is. If I have free time, I feel like I'm not doing enough. I do too much but not enough. Interesting!
• Then I grab lunch/dinner/snackage, head to my room where I may take another nap or work on some last minute assignment. Then I attempt to study but end up just falling asleep. 

Some of my days are much more upbeat, positive, and productive but in my current mood, the aforementioned description seems typical.

I need to get back to recreational reading, because that always lifts my spirits and gets me back on track when I'm feeling in the dumps. But, if I have time to read for fun, shouldn't I be doing some more productive? Hmm...

Speaking of recreational reading, whenever I'm reading motivational or educational books, I normally type up quotes that speak to me at the time. Here are some of my favorite passages from Crucibles of Leadership.

• Integrity is about knowing what you stand for- possessing a strong moral compass- and having the courage of your convictions; it is a process of self-knowledge that provides a core identity and a spine that remains strong even when circumstances demand that you adapt. Integrity is what keeps the leader from becoming a hollow dissembler or a leaf in the wind. At this point in my life, I have established a strong identity. Now, all I have to do is get my actions better aligned with my character.
• • Qualities of outstanding leaders:
  •          Adaptive capacity
  o   Resilience
  o   Creativity
  o   Openness to new experience and a willingness to learn
  o   Acute observational skill
  ·         Engaging others through shared meaning
  o   Deep sense of purpose and focus
  o   Self-awareness and emotional intelligence
  o   Obsessive and skilled communication
  o   Comfort with dissent: Sometimes I'm bothered by people who always want to settle conflicts, like they're afraid of disagreements. I say let people argue until they start to repeat themselves, rephrase what's been said, and then find a happy medium.
  ·         Integrity
  o   Clear values and voice
  o   Balance among ambition, technique, moral compass
  o   Able to work with value conflicts
  o   Knowledge of when to lead and how to follow” p.8-9
• 
  

• …you only learn when your fear or learning is surpassed by your fear of the consequences of not learning…  Once I get to this point, watch out, because I might just take over the world. :)
• …outstanding performers often seek out the best available teachers- even when, to the rest of us, it appears that they are at the peak of their game or their profession.” 
• But if you don’t have time to practice, it’s hard to imagine how you can improve your performance. There can only be one solution: when you don’t have time to practice and yet you seek to improve your performance, you have to learn how to practice while you perform.
• Even when we have an admirable personal goal planted firmly in our minds, the specter of mind-numbing repetition without a sip from the victory cup can shrivel that vision in seconds flat.” I guess this is suggesting that we need some kind of reward system, some prize for accomplishing goals. But, if you don't know what you're passionate about, how can you reward yourself?
•  Life isn’t a train ride where you choose your destination, pay your fare and settle back for a nap. It’s a cycle ride over uncertain terrain, with you in the driver’s seat, constantly correcting your balance and determining the direction of progress. It’s difficult, sometimes profoundly painful. But it’s better than napping through life.”
• High-impact moves are actions you can take that will have a disproportionately positive effect on your development as a leader. How can you know what those are? Interestingly, intuition is not a bad place to start, because, to paraphrase Ed Schein, most leaders know what they need to do and what they are doing wrong. They just need a reason to think it through and commit to doing something about it. Of course, intuition and self-reflection are generally not enough, and there’s real benefit to be had from external, even clinical, judgment. I need some external, critical judgment. 

I enjoyed this portion of the prompt. Brought back some good thoughts. Anyways, I really can't think of any life-changing crucible moments in the past year, since I haven't made much changes. I guess one could be during my internship, when I was performing very poorly, and I was reading Crucibles of Leadership. I had a wake up call, and turned things completely around and ended up with a return offer from Procter & Gamble. I did a lot of reflecting, and realized that I wasn't living up to my potential. I also didn't want to disappoint all the people who believed in me. I represented my family, my school, my major, my race, my organizations, and myself. I began to believe that I had been hired for a reason and that I was capable of doing good work. I was being entirely way too hard on myself (as usual) and this actually dampened my progress, ambition, and enthusiasm. With some encouragement from friends, family, and mentors, I got back on the horse and finished strong.  Now all I need is a new wake up call. I was "failing" at first, but then gained new confidence knowing that my hard work was appreciated, that putting in some overtime paid off, and that it doesn't hurt to go above and beyond your limits to achieve something you desire. I remember working at 2 in the morning, just because I was awake and capable. Those were some of the best hours- no distractions, no pressure, no self-inflicted limitations, no time-constraints...just me and an ocean of possibilities. Good times. 

Now, how do I get that feeling back!?

What's something that I haven't thought about in a long time...this is a tough one....

The question: Why am I the way that I am? (That was about as deep as a kiddie pool)

Why #1: I am the manifestation of the culmination of my life's experiences, growth, and tribulations.

Why #2: I have grown into the kind of person who thinks about 90% of the things that take place in my life, either before or after something happens.

Why #3: I think  because I feel a need to learn and reflect upon each situation.

Why #4: I feel like there's some kind of lesson to be learned, and by thinking I can avoid making mistakes.

Why #5: I want to avoid making mistakes because of my fear of failure.

Why #6: If I fail, I might not be good enough.

Why #7: (Why does failing mean you're not good enough?) I'm not sure. Until next time!

Peace.